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This Winter Makes Me Think Of...

 Vines, bushes, and tassels...

Baskets bursting with color...

Funny faces...

Fresh bouquets...



Bare feet and dimples...

Sounds of popping lids...

The smell of dirt...

Sibling adventures...

And big footprints and little footprints in the dew to the garden.


The Meditation of My Heart

Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

I know I shouldn't be, but I am always amazed by how God reveals His will for my life when I seek after Him.  

It seems that His still small voice speaks a little clearer, but I know it's because my ear is searching for His voice.

Over the last week, I have been spending a lot of time in study and in prayer. 

I've been preparing for a young ladies bible study on modesty, as well participating in the Intentionally Focused online bible study. 

I'm so thankful that God shows me things in His word and through others. Whether He sends a blog post or a bible verse, or a sermon, or a song, or a prayer that speaks to my heart, the messages are always in harmony. I believe it's God's way of helping me take notice and to understand what it is that I should be doing. 

The Lord is working in my heart. 

He's telling me that I need to trust Him and to live for Him. 

To use a phrase that a dear friend likes to use, I was "rocked in the Missionary Baptist cradle", meaning, I have been in church my whole life. The Lord saved my soul when I was 10 years old and I have been a weak servant ever since. 

I try, at times, to live according to His word, but most of the time I fail. I've realized recently, that when I was little, I had the assumption that when you are a Christian, doing the right things would just come naturally. No one told me this, and now that I look back at all of the examples that I have had in my life and see the struggles that they overcame with God's help, I see what a foolish, albeit childish,  assumption that was. Being a Christian is a struggle. I see myself like Paul in Romans chapter 7, in that the things that I don't want to do and know are wrong are the things that I usually do. The things that I want to do and know are right, are the things that I fight against the most. It makes me even more thankful that my soul is sealed and that no man can pluck me from my Father's hand

I don't want to let Him down and I don't want to be a stumbling block to someone else. 

During my "modesty" study, I have been considering what God wants from me as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman trying to teach the younger women in these things (Titus 2:3-5), and I see how much improvement I need in all of these areas. I see that I need to be more thoughtful in how I present myself. I see that I need to be more intentional in raising my children; a burden that seems to intensify as they get older; a conviction that tears at my core; a concern that I need to give to Him. I see that I need to be a more submissive wife; another conviction that breaks me in two. Typing this now, I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I feel so small and so unworthy of the family that God has given me. I want to be all that I need to for them, but I feel like I don't know how--

Lord, please lead me. Help me to trust in Your word and in Your will for my life. Help me to trust in my husband as the leader of our family that you have called him to be. Help me, Father, to speak with kindness and to be a gracious help meet to him. Help me to not be bitter when I don't get my way, but to be thankful that I have a husband that loves You and seeks for your guidance. Help me to be a more intentional mother to these precious gifts that you have given us. Lord, I feel that I can't do it all. I work away from home and I am so tired at the end of the day that I let things fall by the wayside. Please, help me. I fail at training them, Lord. With every eye roll or back talk, I feel it is my fault for not being a more consistent disciplinarian and because I am not with them all day like I want to be. I fail at taking care of my home. I fail at being a good companion. I fail at spending time with You. God, I need your help. Help me to have the trust to place all of these things in Your capable hands instead of clutching to them so tightly. I feel unworthy to even call upon Your name. I feel childish having to ask for Your help.  I want to testify of Your goodness in how I live. I want the world to know that I have been born again. Help me, God, to live so that Your light can shine through me. Thank you, Lord, for loving me. Thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross for me. Thank you for saving my soul and for blessing my life. I am so unworthy of it all. Thank you for hearing my heart cry out. Thank you for the times when I do cry out, that You allow me to feel your presence and your comforting spirit. It's in Jesus's sweet, holy, and precious name that I humbly beg. Amen. 

To be sincerely honest, I deleted that prayer... It was not planned and I sometimes feel people are disingenuous when they type out their prayers for everyone to see. Written prayers can also be used vainly, and that is not my intention.The more I am explaining it, I keep fighting to delete it again, but I felt like it needs to be there. Maybe God intends for someone to read it that needs it? Maybe it's for me to remember... I don't know. I just know that this is my heart's meditation and I feel very exposed right now...

I hope you all are discovering God's new and everlasting mercies each day. May God richly bless your homes, your marriages, and your souls.

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